On Being Single

I am an ambivalent uninvolved Christian pulled between two worlds.  On the one hand, I love living single.  I love my freedom to do whatever I want whenever I want.  All I have to do is look out for number one.  My problems are my problems.  There is no one I have to report to, save for God.  No real responsibilities, except for school and work which I can throw off as soon as I’m home.  No wife to have to please or kids to deal with after a long day’s work.  I can just flop down on the couch and vegetate in front of TV for an hour or more if I want.  Sure, as a christian, I may not get any sex but even that gets old and redundant after a couple of kids.  Plus, I’m not sure if it’s worth all the stress and heartache of being responsible for others.  So, this is why I love being single.  Yet, On the other hand, there is a part of me that longs for a deep and intimate relationship with another on a personal, emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical level: someone I can share my life with, someone whose feet are as dirty as mine that I can wash and kiss, someone I can give my time and freedom serving, someone who will have many children with me, someone who loves God more than me, someone I can tell all my faults to and confide in.  I say again, I am an ambivalent single christian torn between two worlds.  My problem is that I want too much.  Or, maybe it’s because I want too little.

Real Honesty

I want to share my life with people; to live in a community where there is honest and open communication amongst individuals. And yet, I must confess that I am uneasy about such an idea. I’m afraid to open up. I fear what people might think of me if they knew what was on my mind. I would rather keep things to myself than risk shame and embarrassment. But there is a part of me that wants to scream out; to not have to bear my burdens alone another day. There is a part of me that yearns for a community of sinners full of understanding and empathy. I think its me, the Christian, that longs for such a place. I believe such a place exists. With all of her imperfections, the church is such a place. Honesty, love, openness, and empathy ought to begin there.

Eating and Drinking

“While they were eating, Jesus took bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and gave it to his disciples, saying, ‘Take and eat; this is my body.  Then he took the cup, and when he had given thanks, he gave it to them, saying, ‘Drink from it, all of you.’ (Matt 26:26-27)”.  Jesus, on the night he was betrayed, gave these words of institution.  I want to  reflect upon these words and ask the question, “Is this a command?”.  Let me begin with a story.  I grew up in church most of my life.  I was thirteen when I first participated in the Lord’s supper.  Since the church only observed it about three times a year, it was a very special time.  I remember one evening, during the words of institution and warning by the pastor, I had an overwhelming sense of unworthiliness because I had committed a grevious sin the week before.  My conscience was troubled, and I felt that if I partook of the supper, I would have been eating it unworthily.  I needed to make things right first before I could become a worthy participant, so I let the elements pass from me.  At the time, it felt like the right thing to do and humble thing to do as well.  As I look back at my experience, how does it square with the words of Christ?  I believe that, though I was sincere, I was wrong.  When Christ says, “Take and Eat”, it’s not a suggestion.  Paul tells us in I Corinthians 10 that participation in the bread and wine of the supper is a participation in the body and blood of Jesus.  To refuse the supper is in essence saying you want no part in Christ.  Even though this wasn’t my intention when I allowed the elements to pass, it was what my action, or inaction, implied.  Hear what Calvin says about those who don’t participate.  ”Whoever partakes not of the sacred rites is wicked and impudent in being present: should any one who was invited to a feast come in, wash his hands, take his seat, and seem to prepare to eat, and thereafter taste nothing, would he not, I ask, insult both the feast and the entertainer? So you, standing among those who prepare themselves by prayer to take the sacred food, profess to be one of the number by the mere fact of your not going away, and yet you do not partake, – would it not have been better not to have made your appearance? I am unworthy, you say.  Then neither were you worthy of the communion of prayer, which is the preparation for taking the sacred mystery.(Institutes 4:19:17:45)”  What I am saying is that the supper is for us, the people of God.  It is Christ’s gift to his church.  What the conscientious Christian needs in that moment of shame and guilt is not to refrain but feed upon Christ’s body and blood, which was given for him.